Yall Some Funny M. F’ers: Quotes From Some Of The Funniest People In Comedy!

I’m pretty sure everyone loves a good laugh. So we thought it would be cool if we put together a list of comedians (in no particular order). Who has made us laugh over the years even the ones going back to a time when we didn’t even exist, Enjoy folks.

Here are some of our favorite comedians and their quotes from some of their most memorable material.

1. Rudy Ray Moore (1927-2008)- Rudy was known  for his raunchy/rhyming style of humor.

Rudy Ray Moore AKA Dolemite

  • When I see a ghost, I cut the motherfucker.
  •  You no-business, born-insecure, jock-jawed motherf*cker!
  • Yeah, I’m so bad, I kick my own ass twice a day. Shit, you ain’t sayin’ nothin’!
  • B*tch this is my d*ck, & i’ll wash it as fast as i want to.

2. Bernie Mack- (1957-2008) Started out real raunchy one of the “Original Kings of Comedy”, eventaully received mainstream success with his hit TV show “The Bernie Mack Show”.

Bernie Mack

  • I Ain’t scared of you motherf*ckers!
  • You know you’re black motherf*cka when you put fingerprints on charcoal.
  • When white people go on break at their job. 15 minutes. They go to their desk. They eat their cheese sandwich. Drink their God damn tea. 15 minutes they’re back on the fucking job.
    My people I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with us. But when we go on break, that’s just what the fuck we do…. we break. You got to look for our motherfucking ass. “You seen Johnny?”
  •  Son of bitch kids too God damn smart for me. Sassy-talking, shaking heads and shit. “Talk to the hand. Talk to the hand.” See, I’m from the old school, I’ll kick a kid ass. When a kid gets one years old, I believe you have the right to hit them in the throat or the stomach. if you’re grown enough to talk back, you’re grown up enough to get fucked up.

3. Rodney Dangerfield- (1921-2004) The King of the one-liners, they’ll never be another.

Rodney Dangerfield

  • My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
  • I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn’t met me yet.
  • boy i’ll tell ya i had a tough childhood growing up. when i took my first step my father tripped me.
  • I tell ya, I grew up in a tough neighborhood. The other night a guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn’t a real professional job. There was butter on it.

4. Richard Pryor- (1940-2005) Considered by many to be the funniest comedian ever, he was a trendsetter.

Richard Pryor

  • My father died fucking. He did. My father was 57 when he died. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time.
  • I woke up in an ambulance. And it wasn’t nothing but white people staring at me. I said, “Ain’t this a bitch. I done died and wound up in the wrong muthafucking heaven.”
  • I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking in my car driving 90.
  • I’m not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.

5. Eddie Murphy- He pretty much picked up where Richard Pryor left off. Eddie has however chosen to be more clean cut than he had been in his earlier days.

Eddie Murphy

  • Brothers act like they couldn’t have been slaves back 200 years ago. It ain’t like the motherfuckers liked that shit. “I wish I was a slave, I would fuck somebody up! Shit, tell me to bale some motherfucking cotton! I would been on the street and shit, would’ve come up and say, ‘Ay, yo, n*****, bale this cotton!’ I would say, ‘Suck my dick, massa!’”…
    The first dude who got off the boat said that shit.
    “Bale that cotton!”
    “Fuck you motherfucker!”
    [crack of a whip]
    The other motherfuckers said, “We’ll bale the shit. Just keep that fucking shit away from me.
  • There’s something about the ice cream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that shit from ten blocks away. They don’t hear their mother calling them but they hear that motherfucking ice cream truck.
  • There’s somethin’ about singing, that is the business! You sing, women go crazy! ‘Cause Mick Jagger is an ugly motherfucker…with big-ass lips! Mick Jagger’s lips so big, black people be goin’, ‘He got some big-ass lips”.
  • “There was a bear and a rabbit in the woods. The bear asked the rabbit “do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur? The rabbit said no, so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit”.

6.Redd Foxx- (1922-1991) Another trailblazer in the business Redd broke all type of color barriers especially with the success of his hit TV show (sitcom) Sanford & Son.

Redd Foxx

  • I carry a knife now because I read in a white magazine that all black people carry knives. So I rushed out and bought me one.
  • The definition of indecent – when it’s in long, and it’s in hard, and it’s in deep – it’s in decent.
  • I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed dying, and they won’t know why.
  • What’s the difference between meat and fish?. You can’t beat your fish”.

7. Martin Lawrence- Martin reminded everyone of a younger hip hop version of Eddie Murphy. Martin gained mainstream success with the success of his own sitcom in the 90’s. Not to mention feature films such as Big Momma’s House series and Bad Boys with Will Smith.

Martin Lawrence

  • On the Wizard of Oz] Lion’s lookin’ for some courage… Tin Man’s lookin’ for a heart… ain’t none of them lookin’ for some p*ssy, and they skippin’ down the street WITH a b*tch!
  • “I love having money, cause when you have money you can tell your women sh*t like shut the f*ck up!. and she’ll be like you so crazy!. you couldn’t do that if you were broke.
  • White parents use time out. My mom used a different type. She’d say take time out to pick up your teeth.
  • “I was going to go as your mother but my hair is too long.”

8. Chris Rock- Chris Rock’s brash in your face humor garnered him the ultimate respect of his peers and hollywood alike.

Chris Rock

  • It don’t take no scientist to tell who gonna have fucked up kids. If the kid calls his grandmomma mommy and his momma Pam, he going to jail.
  • You don’t need no gun control. We need some bullet control. I think all bullets should cost $5,000. If a bullet cost $5,000, there’ll be no more innocent bystanders. Every time somebody gets shot it’ll be like, “Man, he must have done something. Shit, they put $50,000 worth of bullets in his ass.”
  • I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass, I can see old ladies on the phone. They’ve already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong.
  • Ever see a list of the richest black people in the country? Oprah’s on there. Cosby. Michael Jordan. Magic Johnson. Tiger Woods. Movie stars. But you can’t get past number eight without running across a brother who just hit the Lotto jackpot last week.

9. Joan Rivers- In the business well over 50 years Joan is still on the tour circuit. Still performing her stand-up routines in Las Vegas. Her celebrity spkied again in 2009 when she won Donald Trumps coveted Celebrity Apprentice.

Joan Rivers

  • My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
  • I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.
  • My ex-husband said he was tired of me, literally he went to sleep one day and never woke up.
  • Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.

10. Robin Harris- (1953-1990) -Robin Harris was on his way to super stardom when he died of a heart attack. The stand-up comic coming off the success of the movie House Party & Bebe Kids movie that would be released after his death.

Robin Harris

  • I’m not an alcoholic. I’m a drunk. Alcoholic got to go to them god damn meetings.
  • If you don’t tell me where your little brother is, I’m gonna beat the black off you, and you’re gonna look lighter than Michael Jackson.
  • If you tried to phone hell from here, it’d be a local call.
  • Your mama’s so old, she was there the first day of slavery.

Still laughing huh? let us know what you think #tellmehowilooknow

4 thoughts on “Yall Some Funny M. F’ers: Quotes From Some Of The Funniest People In Comedy!

  1. Pingback: Yall Some Funny M. F’ers Pt. 2: Quotes From Some Of The Funniest People In Comedy! | tellmehowilooknow

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