Yall Some Funny M. F’ers Pt. 2: Quotes From Some Of The Funniest People In Comedy!


 

With the success of the this blog post https://tellmehowilooknow.wordpress.com/2012/06/05/yall-some-funny-m-fers-quotes-from-some-of-the-funniest-people-in-comedy-2/

Rudy Ray Moore AKA Dolemite

Rudy Ray Moore AKA Dolemite

we decided to do a Part 2. Remember (this is not in any particular order) so enjoy!

 

1. Kevin Hart- He’s been around for quite sometime but his recent meteoric has has a lot to do with his stand up specials. “Say it wit yo chest!”.

Kevin Hart

Kevin Hart

  • One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. That’s how you know it didn’t go as you planned.
  • I think if you get kicked in the face you deserved it because that means that you watched the foot come to your face.
  • Ever argue with a female and, in the middle of the argument, you no longer feel safe because of her actions? She may start pacing back and forth real fast, breathing out her nose. You know what my girl do? When she get mad, she start talking in the third person. That’s scary as hell because that’s her way of telling me that from this point on, she is not responsible for none of her actions.
  • These glasses are way 2 big for my damn face! I look like I got on a damn Tinted Construction Mask.

2. Dave Chappelle-This man created a frenzy with his Chappelle Show on Comedy Central (2003-2006).

Dave Chappelle

Dave Chappelle

  • You can’t get un-famous. You can get infamous, but you can’t get un-famous.
  • I’m Rick James, B^tch.
  • Every group of brothers should have at least one white guy in it. Im serious for safety, cuz when the shit goes down someone is gonna need to talk to the police.
  • Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they’d never believe i lived in it. They’d be like ‘He’s still here!

3. Donnell Rawlings– Another funny cast member from the Chappelle Show. “Ashy Larry” is a very funny dude in his own right.

Donnell Rawlins

Donnell Rawlings

  • I had a newborn baby (27 lbs. and 3 years old) that was delivered to me by the way of the court system.
  • If I see an Asian person and I’m like: “Where you from?” and they’re like “Connecticut”. I’m like, “You know what I’m talking about”.
  • Comedy’s a tough job, man. I’ve got friends who got cool jobs. One of my friends, he’s a porno star. Guess how he got discovered? This girl sat on his lap, and she was like, ‘Ooh, you should do porno!’ Same girl sat on my lap and was like, ‘Ooh, you should tell jokes!’
  • The only thing we’ve found since we’ve been in Iraq is $700 million. Remember that story? The two sergeants found $700 million in a cave. And I knew they was white boys soon as I heard they gave all that money back… If that was me, I would’ve reported it, but it would’ve been a different amount. I’m like, ‘Yo yo yo, Captain! Yo, listen, we just found $48.92.’

4. Amy Schumer- Very low key yet unfiltered comedy style. Her performances on Comedy Centrals’ Celebrity Roasts are very funny.

Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer

  • The girls I grew up with they’re living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they’re like, ‘Amy, I’m pregnant.’ And I still react like, ‘What are you going to do? I’ll drive you, I guess.’
  • I have an excuse, actually, why I’ve been drinking so much. I haven’t said this out loud yet – this is exciting – I’m drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody’s being evicted.
  • There’s nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her – because the kid can tell.
  • You know what they say: ‘Once you go black, your parents don’t talk to you anymore.’

 

5. George Wallace- This man is the true definition of a comedy legend. His delivery and quick one liners has made him one of the funniest people to ever do stand up.

George Wallace

George Wallace

  • I was walking around Taiwan and bought some flip flops for my feet. I said I wonder where were these made. Looked under the bottom. It said, “just around the corner.”
  • Why is there a Bible in the Courtroom? Isn’t that why we’re here in the first place? Somebody is lying.
  • My mother could say some stupid things. I do something wrong, she’d say things that didn’t even make sense. “You go to your room and you stay there until you know how to act.” I’m in my room for three hours. “To be or not to be, that is the question.”
  • People don’t let politicians kiss your babies. Those lips have been on lobbyist asses for years now.

6. Aziz Ansari- His impressions of R. Kelly are flat out on point and fall out of your chair funny.

Aziz Ansari

Aziz Ansari

  • I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to ’cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.
  • I have no interest in art. Let me clarify – I have no interest in non-nude images.
  • She broke up with me. Didn’t really tell me why. Luckily when you’re the guy, you can just tell people she’s crazy. ‘Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up.’ ‘Yeah, man. Turns out, she’s crazy.’ That’s what they always do on Entourage.
  • Let’s have a moment of silence for all the chubby Asian dudes that are getting ‘Gangnam style!’ yelled at them by bros around the world.

7. Bill Maher- His political humor and sheer brilliance sets Bill apart from a lot of his contemporaries. You may not agree with many of his point of views but you have to admit, he’s a funny guy.

Bill Maher

Bill Maher

  • “…But isn’t there something wrong when I’m the only guy in the country that got fired for 9/11?”
  • Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because “They’ve seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug.” These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.
  • Remember, guns don’t kill people – unless you practice real hard.
  • I’ll show you Obama’s birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin’s high school diploma.

8. Chris Tucker- Was once considered a potential heir to Eddie Murphys’ throne. Chris Tucker had it all, the jokes, Hit movies and most importantly a growing cult following.

Chris Tucker

Chris Tucker

  • IRS officials calling you acting like you owe them the money personally! I don’t owe you shit! This is between me and the company!
  • A n^gga so broke these days somebody rob me they just be practicing.
  • You loan your friend money. You see them again, they don’t say nothin’ ’bout the money. ‘Hi, how ya doin’? How’s ya mama doing?’ Man, how’s my money doin’?
  • It’s crazy because people expect you to be funny all the time and every day is not a funny day. I go to funerals and people are like ‘tell a joke’ and ‘say one of your lines in a movie.’ It’s a funeral, man!

9. Andrew Dice Clay- This guy was flat out funny his stage presence and timing was like no other. He was more than just a comedian he was a brand. Love his “I’m a Italian from Brooklyn” style.

Andrew Dice Clay

Andrew Dice Clay

  • I’m not the greatest husband – I’ve got a girlfriend. It doesn’t really please my wife, but then if I was looking to please her I wouldn’t have a girlfriend. I mean she knows about it, and I guess she’s okay with it. Plus my kids like both of them.
  • Jack and Jill went up the hill Both with a buck and a quarter, Jill came down with $2.50.
  • Little Boy Blue – He needed the money.

10. Aries Spears- I would have to say Aries is quite possibly one of the most underrated comics ever. Real funny guy i hope he gets his just do at some point he deserves it.

Aries Spears

Aries Spears

  • I like to go to the frat house and drink with my white friends, because anytime you go drinking at the frat house, white boys bring you a drink and hand it to you like it’s a top CIA secret. They’ll hand me my drink, and I’ll go, ‘Man, what the hell is in this?’ ‘Dude, don’t worry. Don’t ask, just drink it. I’ll see you in 20 minutes.’ Next thing you know, I’m buck naked, standing on a coffee table, with a cowboy hat.
  • I know when the anthrax thing hit — white people, y’all was very nervous. Y’all would come up to me at work and warn me, like ‘Oh my God, Aries, be careful. Don’t open your mail.’ Let me tell you something — black folks was never worried about anthrax because, half the time, we don’t open our mail no way. We might think that’s a bill. We might hold it to the light and go, ‘That’s a red slip.’ If you want to get us with anthrax, put that in a Jay-Z CD. That’s how you get us.
  • You knew at some point that he was supposed to win. He had all the right ingredients that came together at the right time. He’s tall, good looking, articulate, highly intelligent, smooth under pressure, charismatic and, most importantly, he was the right shade. He made white people feel comfortable. ‘Cause you all know if that n***er was Bernie Mac black or ‘Precious’ purple, he wouldn’t have won. He’s like coffee with cream; it goes down easy. You ever have coffee black? It’s too strong.
  • “White women always fall when they’re running, (from danger) Black they’ll take off the pumps and put on Air Jordans!”

There you have it 10 more funny M. F.er’s! hit us up #TellMeHowiLookNow!

 

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